The End

Today you quarrel with me over your colleagues and use it as an excuse to accuse me of having princess illness. You use it as an excuse to blame me for something else. To push all your frustrations at work on me. Tomorrow you will hurt me again over something else.

When I'm crying so hard by the roadside all by myself getting all out of breath, it was a young lady passerby who came to comfort me while you poison my parent's mind that I'm the one being unreasonable. Pretending to be a good husband looking for me but putting poison at the same time.

It's okay. They can scold and blame me for all they want. I don't have to prove anything. Keeping quiet about it don't mean I'm in the wrong nor admitting I was wrong. You know what you did. I'm just tired of arguing and having to defend myself for something I never did.

It was never a complicated issue, but you chose to make it into something else so it seems like it's my fault. I promise myself that I will never cry so much and so hard for a man that's not worth my time anymore. You too promise never to hurt me and make me cry. I guess the promise meant nothing to you when you are frustrated at work. Everything is all about you. Guess you are more self centered than you think.

Throughout our 7 years of being together, this is the 1st time I cried so much for you that my heart hurts again. Depression and suicidal thoughts resurfaced after so many years. Thank God for the young lady that came to comfort me. She is an angel sent down from Heaven by God.

I know this is not the end. It will never be the end till I put an end to it. I will be strong again with or without you. I once lived a life without you. I can do it again. I will not let you put me down again like I'm a useless human being. You can go back to your pathetic single life for all I care or give a damn.

Leave me alone from this day onwards. I no longer have feelings for you. All I care about is my own well being and my precious daughter. We have nothing to do with you anymore.

You don't know me

 I feel like even after being together for 7 years, you still don't really understand me nor what I want.

Things that can be resolved within the day, you refuse to do it despite knowing how I feel about unresolved issues.

You chose to drag till the next day where I am angry and disappointed. U chose to speak to me in an indignant tone like everything is my fault.

U chose to add salt to my wounds by shouting to darling that I was the one who did all the evil things to her even though I'm already feeling miserable for what I have done. Even when my heart is bleeding from what I have done.

I feel like life is meaningless. I cried many silent tears to myself because of the pain I inflicted.

I still look forward to your promise of coming to fetch me but it didn't happen. Apparently you no longer love me. My heart broke again. I'm being transported to 7 years ago where I no longer know how to love before meeting you.

I tried to cut myself up with the penknife but couldn't do it when she came in and knock on the door. I hate to make my parents and Naomi sad for my sudden departure. I hate to upset my loved ones but I also hate myself for not having the courage to just end my life.

If being alive without a heart and soul is what I have to be now then so be it. I no longer want to be happy anymore because I don't deserve it just like I don't deserve to be alive.

I am a lousy mother, daughter and a human being. I pray for the Lord to take me away in my sleep.

I hate myself

I am so sad.

I am so disappointed in myself.

I hate myself.

I did something very unforgivable.

I caned Naomi till her wounds bruised and bled.

I caned her so hard all because I'm pissed off with him. I wanted him to just shut the fuck up so I took it all out on her.

I feel so miserable. My heart broke and ache so much.

I can't stop crying.

I'm a failure as a mother.

I don't deserve to be a mother.

I should just die so I don't hurt my little angel again.

I hope I will drop dead soon.

I love my darling so so much.

I'm so sorry.

Crazy Lady Living Below My Unit

To the crazy lady living downstairs my unit:

When I 1st shifted in, you came up and accused us of being noisy for the past few days when nobody was staying here that period. We asked if you were hallucinating and you left.

2 years later you complain to HDB that our house leak water thus causing your paint to peel. HDB personnel came up and confirmed it wasn't our fault. So I have a few questions for you.

Are you hallucinating again or did you pay for some bad paint job and wanna push the blame to us?

Next time if anything were to happen to you like for example you fell down n broke your leg. Are you gonna frame a phantom me for pushing you?

Please go and see a doctor if you are sick. 有病就要看医生。

Horrible Neighbour

Finally something for me to rant about else I have nothing to write. Wanna rant about my stupid neighbor living directly downstairs my unit. She really is a bitch.

When the house was ready after renovation and everything, we did not move in immediately due to Naomi still attending childcare at Bukit Batok while our new nest is at Pasir Ris.

We do go over during the weekends to stay just to get some use to it. The kiddos come over every weekend to stay with us. So you get it. There is usually no one around in the house except weekends.

So, there was one particular weekend where the kiddos are jumping around and making lots of noise and I was telling them to stop it as it was already late night.

In case you don't know. The official timing to not make loud noises is 11pm. If you continue to disturb your neighbors, they can call the police on you.

It was only 10pm that night when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw a couple standing outside and they were saying that it's loud. I apologized immediately as I admit the kids were making a ruckus jumping around shouting and laughing.

I initially felt bad about it. Then she started saying that the previous nights was also noisy at our unit with the moving around of furniture and such. That was when I realized this lady is here to find trouble and to assert her position that she stayed here 1st.

My attitude changed from there on. I told her that nobody was staying here for the past few days. We only came over today during the weekends. Are you hallucinating or trying to imply that my house is haunted?

She is lucky that SMH happened to not be around at the moment. Else she would really get it from him. Her husband although protective of her seems really embarrassed by it. He probably thinks his wife is creating problem for nothing as well but has to support her nonsense.

After that incident, we encountered her husband while in the lift and he seems really nice saying thanks and everything for holding the door for him while his wife gave a stinky face when she sees us. Apparently, she doesn't like us very much. The feeling is mutual bitch. Not happy with noises then please go stay in a private property.

After staying here for 2 years, we thought things are more or less settled as she no longer comes looking trouble from us. Then she came with another bomb.

She called HDB to complain that my house is leaking water into her unit thus causing her paint job on the ceiling to peel off.

I'm extremely baffled by it. I just renovated my house and if there were to be leakage if the job was done badly, shouldn't it have happened way back? Just admit that you had a bad paint job done!

Why are you constantly finding fault with us? We nice to bully? Now we can only wait for the HDB engineer to come by our house next week to check on where went wrong which I'm very certain the fault doesn't lie with us!

If after checking and the problem doesn't lie with us, I'm gonna go give her a piece of my mind. Really pissed to have a neighbor like her.

Happy 8th Birthday Darling!

 My dearest darling. Be good, be healthy and be happy always! Mummy loves you forever!

The chocolate birthday cake is from Brownitright if anyone is interested. You can find them in instagram and place your orders there.

I'm back again!

Finally got a new laptop. Well, not exactly a laptop. Surface Pro 7 is like half laptop and half tablet. Cost me a lot but it's worth it. Just gotta work hard and pay it off for the next 6 months.

Hope everyone is fine out there during this Covid period. It hasn't been easy for us as well but we will live thru it.

SMH and I has started being a Grab driver since last year Sept 2019 which in my opinion was a good move. I thank God for putting us on this path. If we were to still be employees we would probably be unemployed now or forced to take a paycut in jobs we were not happy and satisfied in.

It may be tough now because business is bad as there are not as much passengers as before but we are still surviving. Most importantly, we are happy doing this. We have the flexibility of time and we enjoy what we are doing.

Yes, there might be nasty passengers out there who makes your life difficult but I don't have to look at their stupid fucking face everyday for 8 hours daily for however long I'm working there. So overall, we are happy.

Okay. I shall end my post here as tomorrow is my darling's birthday. Shall update again.